I.am.going.to.bed

It's 11:47.

It's cold as ice/stone/witches tit - you choose your preference.

My fingers are frozen.

My toes are curled around the laptop power converter for warmth.

Bed seems like a fine idea.

Sleep? Maybe not... but warm, snuggly bed... Here I go...

Awake

Feel like I'm crawling on my belly

Longing and glad ...

Excited at prospects,

Humbled and mad

I have this problem: I hate going to bed. I wasn't always like this. I used to hate people who said "oh, I only need 6 hours a night", or "I'll sleep when I'm dead". I used to love my sleep and could easily do with 8-10 hours a night. But not anymore. Now I sit up. Surfing. Blogging. Photoshopping. Arranging my files on my computer. Pushing myself past the point of exhaustion.

My old self hated having a late night - knowing I had to get up and go to work in the morning. I think I needed so much energy to push me through the draining day that I took all the sleep I could get. I never understood people who were so inspired by their jobs that they went to sleep thinking about them and jumped up in the morning ready to do it all over again.

And yet here I am... "wa-wyd wakker" even though I know I should go to bed. Everyone in my life (well almost everyone) thinks it is a good/better/best idea for me to get to bed earlier and to get up earlier in the morning. But, let's face it, I've never been a morning person. Mornings are for happy people and I am on the decidedly grumpy end of "happy" in the morning.

At the end of the day, I function better at night. This I know for sure. The only niggle is, I suspect my late nights are taking their toll and my day-time functioning is starting to take a knock. I need to sleep, I know it. My head knows it, I just need to convince the rest of my body to listen.

Here is what I do in the wee hours of the morning. The photos were taken a few weekend ago. We took Adam to play Soccer (Yes, I call it soccer. Stop rolling your eyes all you purists) for the first time. It was cold and wet and muddy and dirty. And we all had a great time, I think it will be the first of many such visits. Although my little Virgo child was a little perturbed by the dirt on his hands...

Jump

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
'cause it's the world I know

One of my most significant events of my childhood is the day I decided I wanted to jump off the high jump board at the Sea Point swimming pool. That day encapsulated a lot about my life and who I am.

Firstly, I was absolutely terrified of jumping and sat on the edge, going backwards and forwards forever. I was terrified of doing the difficult or scary things. I still am. It took me a whole year to pluck up the courage to quit my job and get "out there".

Secondly, my mother stayed with me the entire time, waiting patiently and shouting the odd encouragement. Not getting annoyed because I was taking so long or pushing me when I wasn't ready, but ready with all the right words when I needed them. That's my mom - always there, ready with a quiet encouragement or just a supportive and non-judgemental presence.

Finally, and most importantly, after all the hesitating, the to-ing and fro-ing, I eventually jumped. And it felt great.

This weekend I finally decided on a topic for my photo story. I wanted to do a sequence of photos that meant something to me and that's where I had been getting stuck. I could think of plenty of ideas and story lines, but nothing that was significant to me. I didn't care if the story meant nothing to everyone else, so long as it was something that was important to me. At about 2:00 on Sunday morning, the idea of the high jump finally came to me. And how the pieces then fitted together was spooky...

I woke up to a beautiful sunny day on Sunday - perfect for pool shots. I roped my mother in again to come and help (and provide her legendary supportive presence).

And what did I find at the deserted pools? A little boy and his friend plucking up the courage to jump off the boards... They went backwards and forwards. Up and down. They hesitated and second-guessed themselves. But eventually - they jumped.
,

Mud Soup

I am happy to report that, after some wise words from all of you, the wall is starting to break down. I have moved forward a tiny bit and that is good because it means I am not standing still!!

I have decided on a photo story and am off to take some photos this afternoon. I have also been to take photos of the children I had lined up. I saw 3 families in 2 days. 6 children in total. I had a lot of fun taking the photos. But I still know so little - sigh!

There is good news on the horizon too. I got a call from a lady who runs some sort of mom/baby group and they want me to come and take photos of all their children on one day. There was even a hint of a payment possibility... (wow!) and then my neighbour has booked me for September to come and take photos of their school's Grade 10 dance... also a chance of some sort of (small) payment mentioned - so I am thrilled about that!

Anyway, gotta go and do my homework. I'll leave you with some photos of Adam & Caitlin (she lives up our road) playing together. He loves playing with her and follows her around and does everything she does. They each had buckets with water in and spoons from my kitchen. They then steadily added sand, stones, flowers, grass and other interesting things. Apparently they were making "mud soup". Adam got absolutely filthy, but had a wonderful time. Who could resist the expression of joy on his face below??

Hitting the Wall

Ah... I'm in one of those moods... I get like this from time to time.

If someone could help me to figure it out I would be grateful. I have been trying to work it out. I think there are a few underlying factors.

1. David Cook won American Idol
Now, for most of you, this wasn't even a blip on your radar. For me it was a Major Life Event. For those that know me, you know that I have a slight problem with restraint, and tend to get over-excited about the strangest things. Needless to say, since he won, I have downloaded the following: His entire Analog Heart Album. All 11 of his studio tracks from Idol. All 24 live performances. And those are just the mp3's. I also have video clips...

I have wasted countless hours pondering his "McHotness". Is it the brooding look from under the lashes? The wry tweak to his right cheek? Is it the full body jolt just as the song kicks up a gear? Is it the crossword puzzles?Is it the guitar? Is it his gravely lower register or the way he hits the high notes that sends me a shiver? I don't know. But I think about it. And it takes up all my time. Not to mention my ADSL Gigabytes.

2. The Divine Miss M visited my blog
All I did was mention her blog. How the heck did she find my post and comment on it?? She mentioned that she would be stopping by from time to time... Now, my blog is mainly intended for people I know, or used to know. Every now and then I forget that it is part of my default e-mail signature and some unwitting person stumbles across me. I forget that it is freely available to everyone with an Internet connection. People from past lives and people from the future. This has sent me into a posting crisis. There are "others" reading my blog. What will they think? I want to go and hide under my duvet and ponder David Cook's facial hair and forget that there are "others" out there. One person mentions that they read my blog and I lose the ability to create sentences or coherent paragraphs. Instead of doing what comes naturally, I am a deer caught in headlights.

3. I finally "get" my camera
This is a huge hurdle for me. When I finally quit my job, I had wasted many working hours drooling over a digital SLR. I had even held one (gasp). But I didn't know the first thing about using one. Then, towards the end of January, I bought my little baby. And promptly spent the better part of February, March and April absolutely clueless about how to use it. Enter my fabulous teacher
Deirdre Hewitson (Hi Deirdre! ... She reads my blog too and unwittingly contributes to my above performance anxiety...but I love her too much to care!). She taught me how to use my camera and I am SO grateful.

Unfortunately, I have reached a difficult step on my learning curve. I now know all the technical aspects. But, dammit, I still can't take beautiful photos. And it is irritating the shite out of me. I thought I was becoming competent, but now I realise how little I know. I thought I could go on a course and "get it". And I do get it - thanks entirely to Deirdre. But I now realise how much of a craft and art photography is. Now I realise that there is so much about taking good photos that just can't be taught. And I am annoyed because I want to be better than I am, but there is no course to go on for "getting better".

4. Deirdre gave me nasty homework
I have to do a photo journalistic set of photos. That means telling a story, without words, in 8 photos. And here's the stone that sunk the ship: Only the best photos will go on exhibition. Now, up to this moment, I was really enjoying the course. Then they go and throw in a curve ball - a whiff of competition. And what do I do? I shut down. I have lost my inspiration. Can't think of a story. I want to scream with frustration.

5. I "get" Photoshop
My Photoshop arrived sometime in Feb. And I was SO excited. I loaded Photoshop and tried it out and almost sent it back because I couldn't figure how the flippin program worked. But then I tried again and Photoshop became my world. You all remember my blog at the time. Classic example of over-excitement and lack of restraint (see point 1. above). I am proud to say that I taught myself everything that I know. I realised today that that is quite a bit. Yay for me. But that also means that there are no more excuses. I have to get off my butt and start making a living from this stuff. Otherwise it is back to 9-5 for me next year. And I would rather leave my camera under a bush (yes, Deirdre... I read your blog too...!!), than do that. So I need to stop being and start doing - and that thought is terrifying!

6. People want me to take photos of their children
I have about 6 people lined up - all of whom want me to come and take photos of their precious children. I need to phone them to make appointments. I need the practise. They are sitting there - waiting for my call. And I can't do it. I am scared shit-less at the prospect.

So there you have it. I have hit the wall. I am in a mood that I can't climb out of. I am a deer caught in headlights. How do I stop being and start doing?

p.s. you will get bonus points if you can take my mind off David Cook's eyelashes.

I am Shameless

I have to admit, he had me at "Hello".

I am delighted to admit I had to vote for "ecstatic" in the poll about how you felt about David Cook winning American Idol.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I even joined the Facebook group "When David Cook sings...it's hard to keep your clothes on!"

Shameless I know.

But look at these photos... What's a girl to do?

Here he is when they announced the results...

Need a closer look? Someone need a hug??

Tight T-shirt, strong guitar arms... Be still my beating heart

Seriously - who could resist this. Do you think there is space under there for me??

Blogs I Stalk

I have added a new set of links on the left side of my blog.

I have become somewhat of a blog addict of late. It used to be just a few blogs of friends - people I actually know. Now it has evolved into an obsession interest in the seeming mundane lives of others. Dave tells me that I should live my own life and not be so involved interested in the lives of people I don't know. The problem is, I have been reading these blogs for a while now, so I kinda feel like I know these people.

Here is a quick rundown of the blogs I stalk:

First and foremost is Pioneer Woman. She is top of the list because she is my favourite blog. Ever. Susie once told me about her blog and I kinda forgot about it (sorry Susie...). Then one day I stumbled across her when surfing for Photoshop info. I have divided her blog into 3 sections (confessions, photography & cooking) because they are each worthy blogs in their own right.

Let me just say that this woman is living my life. I want Marlboro Man. I want Punks. I want horses and dogs and her ranch. I want her kitchen. Last but not least, I want her photographic equipment. I am sure that she is a splinter of my personality living halfway across the world. Only problem is, thousands of other people think so too. I have seen over 6000 comments to one post. (And I am thrilled when I get ONE comment!!). This woman is talented and down to earth and she gives you real glimpses into her life. For a real treat, start reading her story "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels: A Love Story" (here's the link to all the chapters) it will convert you for life and you too will lust over Marlboro Man's Chaps (go here for a visual).

Another blog that just amuses me to no end is SO VERY ALONE... it is about a sad soul and is very entertaining. He recently "decided" to stop blogging, but now seems to have resolved to continue. My heart is happy.

CT Daily Photo is a wonderful website for all those who love photography and Cape Town. Beautiful Photos to inspire you.

The Adventures of Miss M Miss M lives in London and writes succinct, amusing anecdotes of her life. Very good stuff.

So Close is written by a South African woman who suffered through years of infertility and failed fertility treatments. She has two children now and is trying again. She also runs an egg donor company. Read her timeline with infertility. Besides, her son's name is Adam - she must be cool!! Read about the son she lost here.

If You only read one blog this year this is an oldie but goodie. He hasn't been around for a while as I suspect his father is critically ill. Hopefully he will be back.

Sarcastic Mom I started reading this blog just as she was hoping to fall pregnant. She did. Then she miscarried. A very real blog about being a mother.

I Hate my Flatmate a blog I read every now and then to remind me of my youth. Well written and amusing.

Too Much Coffee a hard hitting South African blog with excellent writing

Post Secret an addictive, voyeuristic blog where people post their darkest secrets and confessions. Not always easy reading.

Peas on Toast Fantastic Blog written by (I think) the coolest chick in SA. About to move to London. Should make for some interesting blog fodder in the future.

There you have it - some of my favourite blogs.

Just call me Slacker...

I don't know if you are aware of it or not... but there are a few buzz words floating around the internet these days...

Have a look. Everyone probably knows someone who fits into each category.

Firstly we have the ALPHA mom. There is even a website dedicated to the Alpha Mom. An Alpha Mom is defined as a modern mom who is confident, in control and well informed. These moms are hungry for information and spend many hours reading and learning about parenting and their offspring. They work extremely hard and are great at multi-tasking. They are "hands-on women determined to get it right with their children and not lose themselves in the process". Advertisers love these moms. This mom is also known as "uber-mom" depending on your point of view. This mom loves the traditions of her mother/father and has firm views of parenting. (Most of the time she likes to share these views with you - in the nicest possible way of course). From what I understand these are the mommys most likely to sit on the PTA or become "soccer-moms".

Another caregory is the HIPPIE Mom. This type of mom is "generally characterized by her global viewpoints, eco-consciousness, and an all out organic obsessiveness. This mom is full heartedly the first one to argue that it's nearly child abuse if you choose not to breastfeed, or that you're going to somehow harm your child if you feed them non-organic squash. These moms can generally be spotted a mile away, as their spawn are nearly always attached to them via sling. Upon closer inspection, these moms may be vegans or vegetarians."

I think, deep down, this is the kind of mom I aspire to be. But, I was always destined for other things...

Then we have the SLACKER (or Beta) mom. A slacker mom is (apparently) the opposite of the uber mom. "Wikipedia defines slacker as characterized by a static, unenthusiastic air manifesting in an apparent lack of effort. It's not to say that she lacks as a mother -- rather she slacks off from the stereotypical mothering role. This specific mom can generally either be spotted by her alternative dress style, general opposition to anything relative to the "norm", or just a flat out disinterest in anything typical".

This is where I come in. I won't deny that I started out my mommydom as a fully fledged Alpha Mom, (with a generous dose of hippie mom). I had all the books. Did all the courses. Read all the magazines (even had subscriptions). Colour co-ordinated my child's room. Did.all.the.right.things. But somewhere along the way I have morphed into a slacker mom. Dave will tell you that it is just my true nature shining through.I am no longer concerned about correct degrees of stimulation. I don't really care how much sugar or salt he has. It's never an excessive amount anyway. As far as I am concerned coco-pops are the best invention ever. So are Woolies Mac & Cheese and 2-minute noodles. So are Tellytubbies and Barney. Left up to me bath time would be "sometime in the evening when I feel like it" - luckily the kid has a Dad whose second name is routine. I have never child-proofed my home. I prefer it if he is left to wonder and entertain himself. Now I don't care if the t-shirt is dirty. Or if the socks don't match. I don't read the books or the magazines anymore.

Finally we have the MARTYR mom. The "Random Acts of Motherhood" blogspot define these moms as follows: "These are the moms who are always first and foremost on the home front of every feminist battle. They are always the first to throw themselves into the flames, if that means they can get a little sympathy. These moms do everything for the greater good of their children, and generally think it's a sin to steal any time away for them self. This mom generally has a disheveled appearance, as it would take time away from her family to dress in anything more than sweats and a ratty old PTA t-shirt. It is well noted that these moms are always the first to let everyone know how devoted they are to their children. These moms will also be the first ones to have a late-life meltdown when they experience empty-nest syndrome. This mom has essentially sacrificed her own identity and replaced with the title 'mom'."

Oops... I have my moments as a Martyr Mom too...

So, to sum it up. I started out as an Uber-Alpha Mom. With a good splash of Hippie. Then somewhere along the way I realised I was becoming a Martyr Mom so I rebelled, (because I do the rebelling thing so well!) and I transitioned into a Slacker mom. But the "slacker" title sounds terrible so I will go with Beta Mom if that's okay with you?! Does this make me a bad mom? I don't think so. It makes me a happier mom.

Ho Hum

I really have nothing much to update my blog with, but I can see that people just aren't visiting anymore. And I miss everyone. I read everyone Else's blogs religiously and love hearing the stories, but can't muster any enthusiasm for my own blog.

I'm just not into writing about myself at the moment, and I am sure people are sick and tired of seeing pictures of Adam. So, that leaves nothing much else.

I have done my first advert for Urchins. (I know it looks skew, but that's the way it is supposed to look). And I know the colours are dull (mother!!) but I thought they looked elegant but also funky. I will change it in the future so that it looks good for all you "in the box" people!

Then, (wild excitement) I had my first actual job. (rah rah). I designed an invitation of a little boy, Matthew. His parents insisted on having a version of Adam's birthday invitation (not the one in the advert above), so I couldn't get too creative. Ah, well. It all ended up looking quite good. They had them printed on card and I was pleased with the result. Here is what the front and back looked like:

Well, I guess I will have to end off with some Adam photos. As far as I am concerned, the best kept secret in our area is the Stodels Nursery. Anyone with kids should be there whenever possible. There is a trampoline and a jumping castle. Swings, Slides, Rocking Horses, See-Saw. fish (well Koi) and chickens roaming around. And, of course, plenty of sand to dig in. And the best part? It is FREE! Except for the cup of coffee you gratefully guzzle while your child is happily quiet and entertained.

Pagan first, Roman Catholic Last

So I did a test found here

I stumbled onto it from a link on one of Ronnie's links... Anyway! It measures what it thinks your faith is based on your beliefs. It turns out that I am 100% Neo-Pagan. (Anyone know what that means...?) Also, Don't tell my gran - I am least likely to be a Roman Catholic. Not that she was Roman Catholic - but I sense that she would be disappointed in me...

Somewhat more concerning is that Scientology is featured at number 9 out of 27.

Personally, I think I'm more "new-age" than "neo-pagan". But then again, who's really keeping score?


Here are my results:

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (92%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (88%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (84%)
5. Liberal Quakers (80%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (78%)
7. Taoism (74%)
8. New Thought (72%)
9. Scientology (67%)
10. Hinduism (67%)
11. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (62%)
12. Jainism (57%)
13. Secular Humanism (56%)
14. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (56%)
15. Reform Judaism (54%)
16. Orthodox Quaker (52%)
17. Sikhism (50%)
18. Bahá'í Faith (39%)
19. Seventh Day Adventist (26%)
20. Nontheist (26%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (25%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (22%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (18%)
24. Islam (15%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (13%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (13%)
27. Roman Catholic (13%)

20 things about me

This post has been floating around in my head for a while ... I think it's a bit of a blog-trend at the moment as I have seen it on a few of the blogs I stalk. Unfortunately, I don't know if there are any rules?

Anyway! I thought I would post something about me. (As all recent posts have been photos of Adam).

Here are 20 things about me:

1. I love socks. Seeping without socks on is almost a foreign concept to me. I now compulsively buy socks for Adam.

2. I hate shoes and take them off whenever I can. I have been known to walk around Canal Walk barefoot.

3. I am a night owl and can stay up to all hours of the night. I also love early mornings and sunrises but hate waking up to experience them (because of the previous late night).

4. I love romance. Romantic books. Romantic movies. Schmaltzy crap. Dirty Dancing. Pretty Woman. Love Actually. Greys Anatomy. Lay it on me.

5. I hate cooking.

6. I love music. All music from Opera to Boyzone.

7. When I was little I wanted to be a 5FM DJ. My mother allowed me to bunk school to see the 5FM DJ’s broadcasting from the waterfront.

8. I love fonts. I am a fontologist

9. I love cats, big ones (I love cheetahs) and the little ones that sleep on my chest at night.

10. I love TV and especially reality shows like biggest loser and American idol. But really, any TV (except infomercials and day-time tv - if I ever see Judge Judy in the flesh I may strangle her). I also hate soapies. So, it's actually the big shows grab me. Dexter, Lost, Damages, Greys, CSI, Desperate Housewives... Them's the ones I love!

11. I love breakfast. Any kind from bacon and eggs to coco pops, but rarely eat breakfast, or eat it very late in the morning (after 10:00).

12. I hate routines. Having to brush my teeth twice a day irritates me.

13. I love non-fiction books. Any subject. Knowledge makes me feel secure. I have more books waiting to be read that I have actually read.

14. I have studied at 3 universities, but have only one degree. I have enrolled to study a BA (English, philosophy and psychology). A B.Sc (maths and stats). A B.Arch (Architecture). A B.Com (going from general to accounting to economics to something else and back again) A B.Eng (engineering). I ended up with a B.Com (Business Management and Economics). And I loved getting it.

15. I love wine. I was a committee member for the wine societies in both UPE and US. I took part in (too many) intervarsity blind tastings. I can tell the difference between most cultivars in a blind tasting. Before I fell pregnant, I was contemplating going back to varsity to study wine-making.

16. I am creative but not artistic.

17. I love building sites (and the way they smell – I think it is the cement).

18. I have never been overseas

19. I have 2 half brothers and 2 half sisters. I don’t really know anything about them.

20. I overuse “…” and the word “anyway” and when I blog. Anyway….!!! ( I also use too many exclamation marks). I can’t help it!! I just love them.

So that's me. I had to struggle to come up with 20 things you may not know about me - but there you go!!!

Hope you are enlightened!

xxx