Back to Normal

Hi, I'm Pia and I'm back. Did you miss me?

My alter-ego, Portia, took over for a while. She goes a bit nutty when there is a wedding on the horizon. She tends to take over my psyche and gets up to all sorts of mischief.

I realise that, for a lot of my readers, all this wedding lovey-dovey talk is way too much. To this group I whole-heartedly apologise for my alter-ego's rampant domination. I know my last few blogs may not have made sense to many of you. But I promise that Portia is now firmly back where she belongs. If you didn't understand my last few posts, never fear, Pia is near and all will be back to normal soon.

(Even my mother got a tad concerned about me. I got the "is-everything-okay-you-seem-a-bit-depressed-am-I-a-bad-mother" e-mail from her. It is just not like me to go posting poems and romantic schmultz all over the place.)

All I can say is - I was working through some stuff. If you understood my posts, then they were meant for you. I think most of my friends and family will understand where I was coming from - and that's what matters.

Wedding Photos

As promised, here are a couple of photographs of the night. My camera only arrived with Dave late in the evening, so I missed all the good photos - of Kristian waiting for his bride. I am most sorry about missing capturing Kristian checking the time... and the frustrated pacing...

Here is the angelic little Lily. Now you see why Adam needs to say far away from this child? She will break his heart for sure!!

That's really all I have for you!! Mainly because I really don't "get" how to take photos with flash. I just can't get it right. I must get one of those pop-on-top flash thingies. My flash on camera really doesn't do it for me.

So, I got plenty of photos, but all of them have something wrong with them because I can't get the right combination of flash/aperture/shutter speed (yes, I know I should use auto but I am too damn stubborn...)

What I did do was spend an inordinate amount of time photographing the table that had the decorations on it. THAT I could get right with my good old aperture/shutter speed logic. Although, quite how I managed to hold the camera steady after all that champagne, I'll never know. For some reason I was completely enchanted with this table. I think I was a little tipsy. So, in the absence of any good photos of Wendy, Kristian or the guests, this photo will have to do. Although I think it sums up the wedding perfectly.

In Recovery

This is the last of it. I may post some photos of Wendy, Lily and Love. But then I am done. No more of this mooning crap. I am getting on with it. Forging forth. It is expunged. Done.

No more blinking romance and weddings. I love you's and happily ever afters. I am done.

This is for anyone who ever believed in happily ever afters. For those who have love and give love. This is for everyone and their someone special. For anyone who has someone they hold dear. For everyone who has someone to hold them when they break. This is for my friends who come and dance with me without question, even when I am absent. This is for Adam because this is how I want him to live his life.

The Dance
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

I never write poetry

I am no good at it.

tight

can't seem

to breathe

deeply

can't.

shallow breaths

need to breathe

deeply

can't.

Wedding Aftermath

Well, I enjoyed myself immensely at Wendy & Kristian's wedding - despite all anxiety to the contrary. Wendy was absolutely stunning and Kristian was the perfect image of a man in love. Don't you just love it when a couple chokes up on their wedding vows?? (note to self: been to enough weddings now. Should know the drill. Really must take more tissues next time)

I loved the whole event. From Kristian's mum tearing up when she saw him at the altar. To Wendy's beautiful dress. The bagpipes. Precious Lily watching her parents declare their love. (note to self: must make sure Adam stays far away from Lily. She's going to be a heart breaker...)

One of my favourite moments, though, was Veronica reading her selection of quotes for the bride and groom. This one really got to me. (note to self: must remember tissues as well as waterproof mascara)

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.”

- Rumi

**sigh**

This wedding really showed me what a soppy romantic I am. Oh, I try and deny it. Will fight you tooth and nail to deny it. But it is there. Lurking. That quote had me searching the internet for more... Don't worry. I think (hope) I'll get over myself soon. My moon/risingstar/settingsun (Suz - need some help here) must be in one of the water star signs. Cancer? I am a mess! Here are a few of the quotes I dug up:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there."

- Rumi

“Can miles truly separate you from friends…

If you want to be with someone you love,

aren’t you already there?”—Richard Bach

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”—Aristotle

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."- Judy Garland

"The best feelings are those that have no words to describe them...."- Michelle Hammersley

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."- Roy Croft

**sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh**

I told you I was a mess.

For further evidence of the state to which I have succumbed, may I provide "state's evidence 1" - my itunes 25 Most Played list. Now, at any other time, my top 25 would probably have had Modonna & JT, Coldplay and "I kissed a girl..." somewhere near the top. Today? What's headlining my itunes? Joni Mitchell. I ask you with tears in my eyes. What has become of me??

I think, if you click on the image, it gives you a bigger shot. If not, here you go... Will Young. Dirty Dancing. Robbie. Fugees... Killing me softly with... Ah, never mind. Mess. Mess. Mess. You get the picture?

I know you do.

For some reason this song has the power to do strange things to me. Can anyone explain why to me???

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Wendy's Wedding

Today is Wendy's wedding. Actually it's Wendy and Kristian's wedding (why do us girls tend to forget that there is a groom involved too?). I am approaching this afternoon with a little bit of apprehension. For a few reasons. But, mainly, it has to do with this post.

I say I am apprehensive, but really, I am a romantic at heart. In truth, I am really looking forward to watching Kristian's face when he turns to catch the first glimpse of his bride walking down the aisle. That's always my favourite part of weddings. It's also when I get the most choked up because I want a moment like that for myself. I am also looking forward to watching them look into each other's eyes and promise to love each other for the rest of their lives. Ahh... who am I kidding. I LOVE WEDDINGS!!

And I got myself a pretty new haircut so I am feeling spiffy. I will just make myself scarce when the bouquet it thrown. HATE that moment... Oh, I am going to get so, so, so pissed drunk sloshed tipsy merry at this shindig later!!

From Disney's Mulan. Don't hate me - kids music is all I listen to these days! It was playing on my ipod in the car with Adam this morning. I thought that it was sadly apt.

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

can it be I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see

That if I were truly

To be myself

I would break my fam'ly's heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight Back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

I be fay-mouse

Well, almost!



Please will all of you RUSH out IMMEDIATELY and buy this copy of Your Baby Magazine. In fact, I INSIST that everyone I know get themselves a 12 month subscription.

It is a fantastic magazine. Filled with wonderful information for mothers. Lots of great contributions from brilliant authors and journalists. Great articles. Excellent editing.

Oh, and check out the back page...

They actually printed something I wrote.

The most amusing part of all of this is that I didn't even know it was there. I had someone ask me what it was like to be "published" by Your Baby Magazine. After staring blankly at the person for a while, I told them they were crazy. But then someone else said they saw it too... after asking 6000 times if they were sure I started to suspect they were telling the truth. That's when I fell over. I think I hit my head because I've been a little giddy ever since.