Awake

Feel like I'm crawling on my belly

Longing and glad ...

Excited at prospects,

Humbled and mad

I have this problem: I hate going to bed. I wasn't always like this. I used to hate people who said "oh, I only need 6 hours a night", or "I'll sleep when I'm dead". I used to love my sleep and could easily do with 8-10 hours a night. But not anymore. Now I sit up. Surfing. Blogging. Photoshopping. Arranging my files on my computer. Pushing myself past the point of exhaustion.

My old self hated having a late night - knowing I had to get up and go to work in the morning. I think I needed so much energy to push me through the draining day that I took all the sleep I could get. I never understood people who were so inspired by their jobs that they went to sleep thinking about them and jumped up in the morning ready to do it all over again.

And yet here I am... "wa-wyd wakker" even though I know I should go to bed. Everyone in my life (well almost everyone) thinks it is a good/better/best idea for me to get to bed earlier and to get up earlier in the morning. But, let's face it, I've never been a morning person. Mornings are for happy people and I am on the decidedly grumpy end of "happy" in the morning.

At the end of the day, I function better at night. This I know for sure. The only niggle is, I suspect my late nights are taking their toll and my day-time functioning is starting to take a knock. I need to sleep, I know it. My head knows it, I just need to convince the rest of my body to listen.

Here is what I do in the wee hours of the morning. The photos were taken a few weekend ago. We took Adam to play Soccer (Yes, I call it soccer. Stop rolling your eyes all you purists) for the first time. It was cold and wet and muddy and dirty. And we all had a great time, I think it will be the first of many such visits. Although my little Virgo child was a little perturbed by the dirt on his hands...

Jump

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
'cause it's the world I know

One of my most significant events of my childhood is the day I decided I wanted to jump off the high jump board at the Sea Point swimming pool. That day encapsulated a lot about my life and who I am.

Firstly, I was absolutely terrified of jumping and sat on the edge, going backwards and forwards forever. I was terrified of doing the difficult or scary things. I still am. It took me a whole year to pluck up the courage to quit my job and get "out there".

Secondly, my mother stayed with me the entire time, waiting patiently and shouting the odd encouragement. Not getting annoyed because I was taking so long or pushing me when I wasn't ready, but ready with all the right words when I needed them. That's my mom - always there, ready with a quiet encouragement or just a supportive and non-judgemental presence.

Finally, and most importantly, after all the hesitating, the to-ing and fro-ing, I eventually jumped. And it felt great.

This weekend I finally decided on a topic for my photo story. I wanted to do a sequence of photos that meant something to me and that's where I had been getting stuck. I could think of plenty of ideas and story lines, but nothing that was significant to me. I didn't care if the story meant nothing to everyone else, so long as it was something that was important to me. At about 2:00 on Sunday morning, the idea of the high jump finally came to me. And how the pieces then fitted together was spooky...

I woke up to a beautiful sunny day on Sunday - perfect for pool shots. I roped my mother in again to come and help (and provide her legendary supportive presence).

And what did I find at the deserted pools? A little boy and his friend plucking up the courage to jump off the boards... They went backwards and forwards. Up and down. They hesitated and second-guessed themselves. But eventually - they jumped.
,

Mud Soup

I am happy to report that, after some wise words from all of you, the wall is starting to break down. I have moved forward a tiny bit and that is good because it means I am not standing still!!

I have decided on a photo story and am off to take some photos this afternoon. I have also been to take photos of the children I had lined up. I saw 3 families in 2 days. 6 children in total. I had a lot of fun taking the photos. But I still know so little - sigh!

There is good news on the horizon too. I got a call from a lady who runs some sort of mom/baby group and they want me to come and take photos of all their children on one day. There was even a hint of a payment possibility... (wow!) and then my neighbour has booked me for September to come and take photos of their school's Grade 10 dance... also a chance of some sort of (small) payment mentioned - so I am thrilled about that!

Anyway, gotta go and do my homework. I'll leave you with some photos of Adam & Caitlin (she lives up our road) playing together. He loves playing with her and follows her around and does everything she does. They each had buckets with water in and spoons from my kitchen. They then steadily added sand, stones, flowers, grass and other interesting things. Apparently they were making "mud soup". Adam got absolutely filthy, but had a wonderful time. Who could resist the expression of joy on his face below??

Hitting the Wall

Ah... I'm in one of those moods... I get like this from time to time.

If someone could help me to figure it out I would be grateful. I have been trying to work it out. I think there are a few underlying factors.

1. David Cook won American Idol
Now, for most of you, this wasn't even a blip on your radar. For me it was a Major Life Event. For those that know me, you know that I have a slight problem with restraint, and tend to get over-excited about the strangest things. Needless to say, since he won, I have downloaded the following: His entire Analog Heart Album. All 11 of his studio tracks from Idol. All 24 live performances. And those are just the mp3's. I also have video clips...

I have wasted countless hours pondering his "McHotness". Is it the brooding look from under the lashes? The wry tweak to his right cheek? Is it the full body jolt just as the song kicks up a gear? Is it the crossword puzzles?Is it the guitar? Is it his gravely lower register or the way he hits the high notes that sends me a shiver? I don't know. But I think about it. And it takes up all my time. Not to mention my ADSL Gigabytes.

2. The Divine Miss M visited my blog
All I did was mention her blog. How the heck did she find my post and comment on it?? She mentioned that she would be stopping by from time to time... Now, my blog is mainly intended for people I know, or used to know. Every now and then I forget that it is part of my default e-mail signature and some unwitting person stumbles across me. I forget that it is freely available to everyone with an Internet connection. People from past lives and people from the future. This has sent me into a posting crisis. There are "others" reading my blog. What will they think? I want to go and hide under my duvet and ponder David Cook's facial hair and forget that there are "others" out there. One person mentions that they read my blog and I lose the ability to create sentences or coherent paragraphs. Instead of doing what comes naturally, I am a deer caught in headlights.

3. I finally "get" my camera
This is a huge hurdle for me. When I finally quit my job, I had wasted many working hours drooling over a digital SLR. I had even held one (gasp). But I didn't know the first thing about using one. Then, towards the end of January, I bought my little baby. And promptly spent the better part of February, March and April absolutely clueless about how to use it. Enter my fabulous teacher
Deirdre Hewitson (Hi Deirdre! ... She reads my blog too and unwittingly contributes to my above performance anxiety...but I love her too much to care!). She taught me how to use my camera and I am SO grateful.

Unfortunately, I have reached a difficult step on my learning curve. I now know all the technical aspects. But, dammit, I still can't take beautiful photos. And it is irritating the shite out of me. I thought I was becoming competent, but now I realise how little I know. I thought I could go on a course and "get it". And I do get it - thanks entirely to Deirdre. But I now realise how much of a craft and art photography is. Now I realise that there is so much about taking good photos that just can't be taught. And I am annoyed because I want to be better than I am, but there is no course to go on for "getting better".

4. Deirdre gave me nasty homework
I have to do a photo journalistic set of photos. That means telling a story, without words, in 8 photos. And here's the stone that sunk the ship: Only the best photos will go on exhibition. Now, up to this moment, I was really enjoying the course. Then they go and throw in a curve ball - a whiff of competition. And what do I do? I shut down. I have lost my inspiration. Can't think of a story. I want to scream with frustration.

5. I "get" Photoshop
My Photoshop arrived sometime in Feb. And I was SO excited. I loaded Photoshop and tried it out and almost sent it back because I couldn't figure how the flippin program worked. But then I tried again and Photoshop became my world. You all remember my blog at the time. Classic example of over-excitement and lack of restraint (see point 1. above). I am proud to say that I taught myself everything that I know. I realised today that that is quite a bit. Yay for me. But that also means that there are no more excuses. I have to get off my butt and start making a living from this stuff. Otherwise it is back to 9-5 for me next year. And I would rather leave my camera under a bush (yes, Deirdre... I read your blog too...!!), than do that. So I need to stop being and start doing - and that thought is terrifying!

6. People want me to take photos of their children
I have about 6 people lined up - all of whom want me to come and take photos of their precious children. I need to phone them to make appointments. I need the practise. They are sitting there - waiting for my call. And I can't do it. I am scared shit-less at the prospect.

So there you have it. I have hit the wall. I am in a mood that I can't climb out of. I am a deer caught in headlights. How do I stop being and start doing?

p.s. you will get bonus points if you can take my mind off David Cook's eyelashes.

David Cook - Doing U2

Okay, so this song is one of my "sacred" songs. AS far I am concerned, you just don't touch it - it is perfect the way it is. No-one can sing it like Bono. No-one can make my insides wobble like Bono... well, until David sang it...



p.s. if it won't work, refresh the page and click the bottom left arrow. It will work eventually. Not sure what the problem is... Too much demand for David possibly.

David Cook - First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Judges Choice

Take a look at this. Watch to the end and then tell me your insides don't melt.

I am Shameless

I have to admit, he had me at "Hello".

I am delighted to admit I had to vote for "ecstatic" in the poll about how you felt about David Cook winning American Idol.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I even joined the Facebook group "When David Cook sings...it's hard to keep your clothes on!"

Shameless I know.

But look at these photos... What's a girl to do?

Here he is when they announced the results...

Need a closer look? Someone need a hug??

Tight T-shirt, strong guitar arms... Be still my beating heart

Seriously - who could resist this. Do you think there is space under there for me??